A personal reflection

I have a rare night alone. My partner Barry and my son Sasha are both out.

As I contemplate how to spend the evening, I am reminded of my single, childless days.
Many solitary evenings would have left me feeling lonely and unloved and frequently I turned to food and TV to avoid my pain.
Years later, I filled my many solitary evenings with music, dance, photography and writing. No time or desire to eat. I was driven to discover who I was, what my emotions were all about, what I was capable of becoming and doing.
Now… I am neither driven to dive deeply into my creativity, nor to avoid my feelings by eating or watching television. I am grateful to discover that I am peaceful with whatever the evening holds in store – first a candlelight dinner for one, where I realize that I am really not all that interested in eating. My sense of taste takes second place to all the other senses.

I stroke Ellie, my cat. She is consistently inspiring as a model of sensuality. The way she looks in my eyes, curls into my touch, squeaks her delight, and then surrenders her belly for loving.

Listening to U2. Nostalgic. Makes me dance, sing and rock as I write. Music fills an empty space with hints of beauty. It brings me joy and comfort, far more so than food or television ever could.

In the bathroom, I stare into the mirror and do an assessment. I recognize that I like myself, yet still think that my belly has too much fat and my hips are too narrow and then I laugh at the ludicrousness of my judgments. Despite all my work to love my body, old thoughts die hard. Now though I find peace in the realization that my judgments ultimately mean nothing. It is how I conduct myself on a day to day basis that matters.

After years of focused intention I have created a deep and lasting friendship with my self and my body that I can savour. And I am reminded that all the hard work brings the fruition of now being paid to help others do the same.